How And When To Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Addiction

When I work with married guys who want to break their porn habit they generally fall into one of two categories. Either their wife already knows or else she has no idea at all. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a husband whose wife knows but doesn’t care if he stops or not. In any case, if you’re in that latter category and you know you need to disclose this problem to your wife then today’s episode is for you.

Let me just say right off the bat that over the last 10 years the number of women using porn has drastically increased. So we could have just as easily titled this “How and When to Tell Your Husband About Your Porn Addiction” but it is still the case that the majority of users are male. And probably an even greater majority of undisclosed users are male. So please pardon on the male references. Much of what we have to say today would apply just as well to a wife disclosing to her husband for the first time.

Should I Tell My Wife?

The short answer is: yes!

In our broader culture over the past decades porn was viewed as something normal and harmless. I think some folks still holds this view but in recent years the research has consistently shown that porn use has a wide range of adverse effects on marriage, on the people using the porn, and the people who are in the porn industry. Not all – but many of the actors and actresses are victims of human trafficking and have other very challenging issues they are facing on a daily basis.

We talked more extensively about how porn impacts marriage in a past article/episode but just to recap and summarize, porn use results in:

1. 1. Reduced marital satisfaction
   2. Reduced commitment, possibly leading to increased risk of infidelity
   3. Reduced sexual satisfaction
   4. Reduced intimacy

On top of that, the consequences of keeping the addiction a secret can be just as damaging as the addiction itself. Keeping parts of your life hidden from your spouse, the shame that surrounds the secret, and the fear of being discovered, all erode at the trust and intimacy between a couple. A research study from 2009[i] found that this secrecy creates a “crack” in the marriage bond, which is then likely to widen as the husband’s shame and fear cause him to emotionally withdraw. So leaving the issue a secret can have harmful consequences.

Finally, telling your spouse is an essential first step in change. Keeping it a secret promotes the cycle of shame[ii], where shame and negative feelings compel you to want to use porn to feel better, which creates further shame. This cycle gets harder and harder to break out of unless you tell someone about it and admit to needing help.

Can I Just Tell Someone Else?

That’s a valid question: you understand that this disclosure is going to hurt her the most. I do think you need to bring one or two same-sex friends into your confidence and learn to be open and honest with them.

But at the same time, it is your wife who has been betrayed by your actions. She has the right to know that the most important person in her life has betrayed her. We had this discussion recently among our counseling team. Is there ever a situation where it makes sense not to disclose? One possible situation is if either of you is on your death bed. Not only is there the shattering impact of loss right in front of you, but also the loss of who your spouse thought you were. That creates some profoundly complex grief to sort through and may just not be fair in a situation like that or if you are in the middle of some other major crisis. Timing may be an issue.

But the fundamental components of having a happy marriage are things like commitment, loyalty, and trust. You cannot keep a pornography addiction secret and hope to simultaneously excel at those three things. Not only that but keeping the pornography use secret — even if she never asks about it — is an act of dishonesty. It is my belief that dishonesty is morally wrong. In our Christian faith, we call that sin as it is also an offense against God.

I don’t mention this to guilt anyone but to uphold the fact that the truth always sets a person free. Yes, in this case, the truth is going to hurt (badly!) and things are going to get worse before they get better. But if you cannot live in full transparency and honesty with your spouse then your intimacy development will always be arrested by this reality.

At the same time: I get it. You probably feel sick about disclosing this problem. It’s likely a huge shame trigger. But the right thing to do is not always the easy thing to do. At the same time, this is a decision only you can make. I am giving you the various parts to consider and I have a bias towards disclosure. But I would not make the decision for you because I cannot accept any responsibility for the outcome of your decision. The consequences are yours alone to bear so the decision is yours alone as well.

How Do I Tell Her?

Be Sensitive

It’s important to be aware of the impact this disclosure can have. Revealing that you have been unfaithful to your wife through porn use can lead to feelings of betrayal and trauma, similar to that found after discovering an affair[iii]. So be aware of this and expect her to be very shaken by the disclosure. Allow her to express anger if she needs to: do not be surprised by the severity of her emotional response. You need to let her have her pain, you need to acknowledge her pain and I also think it is healthy for your own recovery to witness her pain.

Tell Her All At Once

Guys often think they can soften the blow by spreading out the disclosure. It actually has the opposite effect. A staggered disclosure (telling her small pieces over time) leads to greater trauma. Think about it this way: if you had one major car accident you’d be a little hesitant about climbing back in the vehicle after you recovered but you’d know you need to get on with life. However, if you were rear-ended once every 5-15 days for 8 times — you’d probably be much more likely to swear off driving and just take a bus. Each time you were hit again it would exacerbate the previous physical injuries and also increase your level of jumpiness and fear around driving. That’s trauma — a staggered disclosure is a great way to amplify trauma. So you do need to disclose fully in one sitting.

Your wife will only be able to start trusting you fully once the entire secret is out in the open[iv]. See “what to tell her” below as part of considering this. Disclosing little bits over time makes it harder for her to trust you as it will always feel like there could be more she still doesn’t know about.

Accept Full Responsibility

Do not try to justify your actions, or minimize how significant the betrayal is to her. Definitely do not blame it on her for not having sex with you enough[v]. These excuses and justifications will make the disclosure even harder for your wife and can get in the way of her forgiving you and moving on. Also, you can only recover once you have taken full responsibility for your actions yourself.

Have a Plan For Both of You

Research from 2005[vi] found that the disclosure often works best if the husband comes to the wife with a plan of action right away. For example, he may admit the problem and suggest therapy right away, or block access to the porn sites he uses. Asking your wife what actions she would like to take is also a good idea. Seeing the addiction as a joint problem both husband and wife are managing (but which husband is ultimately responsible for) helps aid the recovery process.

I’ll say a little more about having a plan after dealing with the next question, when do I tell her?

When Do I Tell Her?

There is no good time to disclose but there are a lot of bad times. Often guys will disclose in strange situations: at their in-laws for Christmas, or right before a major church function, or just before taking the kids out to a birthday party. I’m not sure why this happens but I have noticed that the motivation for timing is often selfish: the husband just needs to get it off his chest. Maybe he feels like more of a fake just before church so he tells her then.

If you know this is going to be a blow, arrange for a babysitter perhaps but start early in the evening or even at the beginning of a weekend. This is me coming back to having a plan. If your wife had no idea this was happening she is totally going to cave. Her world is going to shatter: so disclosing one hour before a family dinner is not the right time. She’ll need you around to ask questions. She’ll need time and space to be alone and to process so try and pick a time where you can clear the calendar a bit. And she’ll also need to be able to reach out to her friends even though that may be really difficult for her to do.

It may also be wise to have a counselor or one of your mentors or possibly a friend on standby. Even if you just tell them: “Hey, I have to have a difficult conversation with my wife tonight. I’m not sure if she’ll want to talk but would you be available if she did?”

The only caveat here is to be careful about bringing a friend of hers into the secret and having her friend hold that secret too: that could feel like a double betrayal. So you want to keep the timing really tight if you choose this option.

Another good option to consider is having some resources on hand. For example, our article on “What to do when you’ve just discovered your husband’s porn habit” and even some books like Debra Laaser’s “Shattered Vows”

Disclosing the addiction will likely be akin to discovering an affair: it can produce a trauma response and may take weeks/months to fully process. So pick a time when she is ready to hear it and will have some immediate time to react.

At the same time, the longer you leave it the worse it can get: both in terms of how hard it will be to break the shame cycle and in how much of a betrayal it will represent to your wife[vii]. So with sensitivity in mind, sooner is still better than later.

What Do I Tell Her?

In order for your wife to feel safe in the relationship again and start trusting you, you need to be totally honest with her about the nature and extent of the addiction. Only when all of the secrets are out can trust start to be re-formed between you[viii]. So generally it’s best to follow your wife’s lead on this and give her as much detail/context as she wants to know.

Men often struggle with this due to the shame they feel around their porn addiction, and because they fear it will upset their wives further to hear about it[ix]. However, failure to be honest and open was found by to be the main obstacle to healing the relationship[x], so is an important goal for husbands.

The same study found that wives were often sympathetic to the fact that disclosing the full extent of the addiction is difficult, and respond positively when their husbands to take that step. So having to be honest may not be as bad as you’re expecting…but even if it does go badly, it’s still important to stick with it.

However, revealing explicit details and showing her the porn you use is VERY LIKELY to be unhelpful. These details can create unpleasant mental images for your wife, which can lead to traumatic flashbacks and increased distress[xi] (Hall, 2015).

Show Your Commitment to Change

A study done in 2005[xii] interviewed couples who had recovered from the husband’s porn addiction and found that one common factor was the husband making overt efforts to change. Husbands who made verbal commitments to breaking their porn habit and backed this up with actions received more support from their wives and made greater progress. Examples of actions include voluntarily signing up to therapy rather than being forced, or taking measures to make it harder for themselves to use porn in the future.

The point is: if you are being honest with your disclosure, you also need to carry through and be honest and open about it being a real problem that requires real solutions.

Helping individuals and marriages recovery from pornography is one of our specialties at OnlyYouForever so feel free to get in touch with us through our website. We’d love to help you recover and heal from this addiction whether you are the one addicted or the betrayed spouse. We have team members specifically trained for both parts.

References

[i] Spencer T. Zitzman and Mark H. Butler, “Wives’ Experience of Husbands’ Pornography Use and Concomitant Deception as an Attachment Threat in the Adult Pair-Bond Relationship,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 16 (September 23, 2009): 210–40, https://doi.org/10.1080/10720160903202679.

[ii] Donald W. Robinson Kenneth M. Adams, “Shame Reduction, Affect Regulation, and Sexual Boundary Development: Essential Building Blocks of Sexual Addiction Treatment,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 8, no. 1 (January 1, 2001): 23–44, https://doi.org/10.1080/10720160127559.

[iii] Robert F. Scuka, “A Clinician’s Guide to Helping Couples Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity,” Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy 14, no. 2 (April 3, 2015): 141–68, https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2014.953653.

[iv] T. Zitzman and H. Butler, “Wives’ Experience of Husbands’ Pornography Use and Concomitant Deception as an Attachment Threat in the Adult Pair-Bond Relationship.”

[v] Christian Laier, “Cybersex Addiction: Craving and Cognitive Processes” (Wissenschaftliche Abschlussarbeiten » Dissertation, Universität Duisburg-Essen, Fakultät für Ingenieurwissenschaften » Informatik und Angewandte Kognitionswissenschaft, 2012), http://duepublico.uni-duisburg-essen.de/servlets/DocumentServlet?id=30007.

[vi] T. Zitzman and H. Butler, “Wives’ Experience of Husbands’ Pornography Use and Concomitant Deception as an Attachment Threat in the Adult Pair-Bond Relationship.”

[vii] Kenneth M. Adams, “Shame Reduction, Affect Regulation, and Sexual Boundary Development.”

[viii] Scuka, “A Clinician’s Guide to Helping Couples Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity.”

[ix] T. Zitzman and H. Butler, “Wives’ Experience of Husbands’ Pornography Use and Concomitant Deception as an Attachment Threat in the Adult Pair-Bond Relationship.”

[x] T. Zitzman and H. Butler.

[xi] Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners and Those Who Want to Help Them (Routledge, 2015).

[xii] T. Zitzman and H. Butler, “Wives’ Experience of Husbands’ Pornography Use and Concomitant Deception as an Attachment Threat in the Adult Pair-Bond Relationship.”

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